Why We Can't Have Nice Things
by mooncakewolf
Summary: Random Drabbles Warnings for swearing because Chuuya has a potty-mouth and mentioned suicide references because Dazai is Dazai
1. This is Not How You Do Maths, Kunikida

**Kunikida's Ideals Book**

**Classroom Notes and Rules**

1\. Never sub for this class again. Ever.

2\. When Atsushi asks where the teacher is (she's pregnant), do not tell him she's carrying a baby inside her. When he asked why, Akutagawa told him she ate it. He is now hiding on top of the bookshelf.

3\. Confiscate Kajii's lemons. Don't ask why he filled his backpack with them. Don't let him throw it.

4\. Whatever you do, don't try to confiscate Akutagawa's stuffed tiger, Rashoman. Even if he creeps you out when he talks to him.

5\. Do not question the questionable activities Tanizaki and Naomi are doing in the corner.

6\. Do not let Mori and Yosano steal Fukazawa's kitten, Elise-chan, so they can play doctor.

7\. Do not let Fukazawa's kitten into the classroom in the first place. Atsushi is allergic.

8\. Keep Gin away from Higuchi, who has a crush on her brother. Gin is silent but deadly. And Higuchi away from Akutagawa, who looks like he wants to smack her.

9\. Convince Kouyou to stop giving Kyouka makeovers with markers.

10\. Let Kenji bring a boxed lunch to class. Hungry Kenji is scary Kenji.

11\. Let Rampo sleep. He never does his homework anyways.

12\. Encourage Hirotsu to keep an eye on Chuuya and Dazai. Occasionally they listen to him.

13\. Do not let Chuuya have your flask. Yes, he knows it's not juice.

14\. Scratch #12. Hirotsu (jokingly?) told Dazai and Chuya to keep their relationship until after class. They practically destroyed the classroom. Because it may or may not be a joke, depending on who you ask.

15\. Give Chuuya back his hat. When told 'no hats in school,' he promptly tried to leave with it, so that 'his hat wasn't in the school.'

16\. Dazai wastes a lot of bandages. No comment. And if he wants to die, refrain from telling him 'not in my classroom' or he will try to leave too.

17\. Do not call on Dazai to offer an object to represent math terms. The general consensus was to use dead bodies. When asked how many 10 dead bodies+9 dead bodies is, Akutagawa answered the result of killing off everyone in the classroom. Apparently Atsushi pees when he's scared.

18\. As a sidenote to #17, don't use objects to represent math terms anymore. The next representation was 2 balls multiplied by 9. Chuuya answered a reverse harem. Also, now the kids want to play dodgeball.

19\. Do not let the kids play dodgeball. If normal kids playing dodgeball is dangerous, try having rubber balls flying at 80mph, a tiger, a homicidal coat AND aspiring doctor AND where the hell did Mori get KNIVES?!

20\. Where did Tachihara go?

21\. Do not let Rampo try to be the teacher when he wakes up.


	2. Why You Can't Take Dazai Anywhere

Dazai: *sends pics*

Chuuya: Stop it.

Dazai: But. I want one ;n;

Chuuya: No.

Dazai: Pleeeeaaaasssseeee

Chuuya: I said no.

Dazai: But

Chuuya: Nope.

Dazai: But it loooveeeess me :(

Chuuya: Only I could love your stupid face.

Dazai: I've already named it.

Chuuya: NO

Dazai: Chuuya Junior

Chuuya: GODDAMIT Dazai, do not bring that thing anywhere near this apartment!

Dazai: Too late ^o^

Chuuya: Where are you. Take it back immediately.

Dazai: I'm in your room. Chuuya Junior likes it.

Chuuya: GET OUT OF MY ROOM! I'm coming home, and I swear that thing better be gone by the time I get back. Or else.

Dazai: :((((((

Dazai: *sends meme* *sends meme*

Chuuya: ….

Dazai: I will enact upon these.

Chuuya: You're hanging yourself from the ceiling fan while it's running… And playing the Hearse song at your funeral while the pastor throws the dead body into the crowd to see who dies next… Because I won't let you keep a kitten.

Dazai: Yes.

Chuuya: ….

Dazai: I'll do it. You can't stop me. And I'll drink all your expensive wine. And burn your hat. And dye all your shirts bright pink.

Chuuya: OKAY FINE! You can have the stupid cat _ But it's not going to be in our bedroom. YOU'RE feeding it. And cleaning the litterbox. And get it a scratching post because if it tears up everything, it's out!

Dazai: I love you chibi! :))))))

Chuuya: Yeah, now you say it :|

Dazai: We are family :D

Dazai: And family always stick together.

Dazai: And love each other.

Chuuya: Where is this going….?

Dazai: Chuuchuu

Chuuya: What else did you do?

Dazai: I have deemed that the permission for Chuuya Junior is extended to his 6 siblings.


	3. Why You Can't Take Chuuya Anywhere

**Why you can't take Chuuya anywhere:**

Dazai: Hey, lookie chibi! You're on youtube :D

Chuuya: WHAT?!

Dazai: *sends link*

Chuuya: What the hell, Dazai! Why does this say Midget Attacks Amusement Park Worker?

Dazai: Because a midget attacked an amusement park worker while his handsome boyfriend took him on a date ;~;

Chuuya: He said I couldn't go on a ride because I was too short!

Dazai: It was a joke :P And you are short. Very short. Soooooo short.

Chuuya: Dazai…

Dazai: Yessss :)

Chuuya: Why does this say in the description "is even shorter without his tacky hat"?

Dazai: That hat is tacky. Burn it. Then burn the ashes.

Chuuya: You posted this didn't you?

Dazai: I can neither confirm nor deny such act.

Chuuya: You're DEAD when I get home.

Dazai: Chuuchuu, I didn't know you were into necrophilia, you kinky little midget :o

Chuuya: I hate you so much.


	4. Why You Can't Take Akutagawa Anywhere

**Why you can't take Akutagawa anywhere:**

Akutagawa: Sushi….

Akutagawa: Atsushiiiiiii

Akutagawa: Atsushi Atsushi Atsushi Atsushi Atsushi Atsushi Atsushi Atsushi Atsushi Atsushi

Atsushi: WHAT?!

Akutagawa: Stop ignoring me or I'll send Rashomon to drag you to meeeee

Atsushi: I can't believe you.

Akutagawa: What?

Atsushi: You KILLED someone! We were just grocery shopping!

Akutagawa: He had it coming. He was looking at you.

Atsushi: Of course he was looking at me! He was the cashier!

Akutagawa: No, he was looooooooking. At. You. You are mine.

Atsushi: How is this my life v_v

Akutagawa: You're dating a mafia assassin. What did you expect sushi?

Atsushi: Less homicide

Akutagawa: Never! :D

Atsushi: Don't use that emoticon. I know you're bitch-facing at your phone.

Akutagawa: I'm smiling on the inside. Because I'll always kill for my sushi :)

Atsushi: Please don't.


	5. Why Atsushi Can't Be Left Alone

Akutagawa: What the HELLAMIT are you doing?!

Atsushi: I thought you were at home.

Akutagawa: I am at home! I can hear you from here…

Atsushi:….

Akutagawa: My ears are bleeding.

Akutagawa: It sounds like someone skinning a cat.

Akutagawa: It sounds like someone skinning a cat with an off-tune violin.

Akutagawa: It sounds like someone skinning a cat with an off-tune violin while dancing on cement in ice-skates.

Atsushi: OKAY! I get it. I'll stop.

Akutagawa: I do repeat, what the hell were you doing?

Atsushi: The moon was out.

Akutagawa: ….

Atsushi: I was caterwauling at it.

Akutagawa: ….

Atsushi: You made me stop. I liked it. You should make it up to me.

Akutagawa: Well, I'm certainly awake now ^^

Atsushi: You've lost the ^^ emoticon privilege. I can barely see your eyebrows.

Akutagawa: You just have to get a little closer v


	6. In Which Akutagawa and Atsushi Swap

Why Akutagawa and Atsushi shouldn't trade abilities

Atsushi: Did you find him yet?

Akutagawa: No. Damn ability user…

Atsushi: You miss your coat don't you?

Akutagawa: Shut up.

Atsushi: You look naked without it.

Akutagawa: No I don't. I look naked when I'm naked.

Atsushi: Yes. Yes you do.

Akutagawa: You could help me look you know.

Atsushi: I'm making lunch. *sends pic*

Akutagawa: WHY ARE YOU USING RASHOMON TO MAKE SUSHI?!

Atsushi: Why haven't you? It's awesome! :)

Akutagawa: Take him off.

Atsushi: Nope.

Akutagawa: I will go replace one of the tigers in the zoo. And eat the tourists. And when one of the Agency or Mafia find that ability user and swap us back, I'm not getting you out again.

Atsushi: I will dress as you and go around hugging everyone in the Mafia. With your coat, they shall have no escape :D

Akutagawa: TAKE. HIM. OFF

Atsushi: You should come here and make me u


	7. Quadruple Black is Not Acceptable

Dazai: Atsushi, what are you doing here?

Atsushi: Really Dazai? Texting? We're only 3 tables away….

Dazai: Chuuchuu and I are on a date.

Atsushi: So are Ryuu and I

Dazai: Go away.

Atsushi: Why?

Dazai: I'm going to propose to Chuuchuu!

Atsushi: REALLY?! :D

Dazai: No. Go away. Akutagawa looks like he wants to kill me. Painfully.

Atsushi: He'll be fine.

Atsushi: Dazai.

Atsushi: What are you doing?

~approximately ten minutes later~

Chuuya: I hate you so much.

Dazai: But ;~;

Chuuya: Why. THE FUCK. Did you throw your cake at Akutagawa?! Of all people!

Dazai: I was aiming for Atsushi…

Dazai: But his face.

Dazai: Was priceless :D

Chuuya: I need a new boyfriend.

Dazai: Please come back.

Chuuya: No.

Dazai: I don't have a ride home :(

Chuuya: Ride with Atsushi.

Dazai: But… he was driven here by Akutagawa

Chuuya: Yup

Dazai: You're so mean chibi…

Chuuya: Yup

Dazai: I wasn't the one who levitated his drink and dumped it on Atsushi. That made BOTH of them mad.

Chuuya: He threw his chazuke at you.

Dazai: Aww, chibi protected my honor :D *hugs*

Chuuya: You're still not getting a ride home.

Dazai: AAAAAH! Akutagawa is maiming me! D:

Chuuya: I'm going to maim you too when you get back. It will be mutual maiming.

Atsushi: Chuuya, please make them stop.

Chuuya: I can make these children do nothing.

Atsushi: …

Atsushi: I think Dazai is having time-out in the trunk.

Chuuya: How did Akutagawa fit him in there….?

Atsushi: I don't think I want to know.


	8. Drunk Chuuya and Sober Dazai Don't Mix

Chuuya: Aodjwommmm kkkkkk

Dazai: …

Chuuya: Where am I?

Dazai: Did you fall asleep with your face on your phone?

Chuuya: Shut up. I'm drunk.

Dazai: Was drunk.

Dazai: Chuuchuu decided to float himself into a tree in Yokohama Park. I can't climb that high chibi :P

Chuuya: WHAT?! Why? GODDAMIT DAZAI WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES?

Dazai: Chuuchuu also decided "quote" WHY IS IT SO HOT IN HERE?! And ripped off his clothes. Not that I mind ^^

Chuuya: Dazai

Dazai: Hmmmmmm love? :)

Chuuya: Did you FUCKING TATTOO me while I was drunk?!

Dazai: No.

Dazai: I paid a nice man to tattoo you.

Dazai: With your wallet.

Chuuya: I'm going to KILL YOU! And it won't be in a painless way. With a beautiful woman. It will be by me. And my fists. With much prejudice.

Dazai: I forgot to mention.

Dazai: It's only temporary

Chuuya: It better be…

Dazai: The piercing isn't though.


End file.
